Thoughts from a heavy heart


I have kind of been in a funk lately. I have such a heavy heart.  Horrible things have been happening in our world since the beginning of time but last weeks attacks in Paris really got to me.

I am a born again Christian. I say that, proudly. I do not hide it and I will not be silent about it. That being said…I understand that not everyone shares my beliefs. I am not the kind of person who will beat you over the head with my bible. I will explain my faith, why I believe in God and what lead me to accepting His grace. If you believe differently from me, I will let you know where I stand, respectfully, and also listen to your beliefs and the reasons for them. I will speak in love and I will listen in love. I don’t feel the need to debate my stance, in a disrespectful manner, nor do I feel the need to hate or harm you just because you don’t agree with my faith.

I have atheist friends, agnostic friends, wiccan friends, friends who are Jewish, Greek Orthodox, Hindu, Jehovah’s Witness, Buddhist and Muslim friends. I have friends who believe in aliens and friends who believe we evolved from monkeys. None of that matters to me. I do not need to agree with you or accept your beliefs as my own in order to love you, be kind to you and show you respect.

I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that there are so many in this world who’s sole purpose for living is to harm and kill those who believe differently from them. I am well aware that for thousands of years extremism has been practiced in one form or another, whether it has been for religious, racial or political reasons.  I also understand that we will never be able to wipe extremism completely from the face of this earth. It will ALWAYS be around. Maybe that is why my heart has been so heavy lately. Hate and evil are running rampant. Atrocities being done in the name of religion. The thirst for power and revenge being disguised under moral obligation. I’ve read about it in history books,  I’ve watched the news to see it going on in distant lands, I’ve heard about it from those that have been affected, I’ve seen it take place on the soil of my own country. It is reality. It is scary. It is sad.

What a beautiful world we would live in if everyone treated others with love, kindness and respect.

A Mess Transformed


Yep! People didn’t realize how disappointed I was in my life, they had no idea the hurt I was feeling or the anger that was simmering just beneath my surface. I was a great actress. The reality was….I was a complete mess, a walking disaster! I had let my circumstances defeat me. I became hard and resentful. I was a shell of the person I had once been before I let my marital situation control my emotions and attitude. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be at peace.

Life can either push you over the edge, numb you or bring you to your knees.  I’ve been to the edge, I didn’t like the view. I’ve been numb, it didn’t do me any good. I was finally brought back to my knees and I was given hope, peace, love, comfort…all these things that I knew I could have had, long before, if I would have just given God control of my life again. I wasted so many years being stubborn and bitter but I guess I needed to hit rock bottom so hard that the only choice I had left was to look up. Once I raised my eyes and focused on God….my transformation began.

I’ve been through so much in the past year and a half that many people would have just thrown their hands in the air and given up. I get told all the time how people admire my strength and perseverance and how they can’t believe that I can still have such a cheerful attitude after all I’ve gone through. It’s NOT me. It’s a God thing. I could not have made it through all of the trials that were sent my way had I not given God control.

I still have days where I struggle to remain cheerful. I still have times where I cry out to God and ask Him “why me?!” There are still moments where I’d like nothing more than to curl up into a ball and cry. What keeps me going is the hope I’m consistently given when I’m feeling my weakest and the knowledge that God has great things in store for me.

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11

Every time I think I can’t possibly handle another disappointed or another hardship, God blesses me in a way that I can’t deny Him and He reminds me that HE’S GOT THIS!

I don’t always understand why things are allowed to happen in my life the way they do, I don’t know exactly what God has in store for my future, all I know is that His blessings continue to show His faithfulness, His timing is always perfect and His plans for my life are HUGE. I’m so unbelievably happy that I allowed Him back into my life and gave Him back the control.

The power of God is absolutely amazing!

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Forgiveness to Heal


I’ve been in a reflective mood today. I’ve had a very rough 2 years: a failed marriage, broken financial promises, losing a friendship over a simple misunderstanding…it’s like every time I start to get through something. ..a new painful situation arises. 

If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I saw myself, in the futur, ever getting past the pain and heartaches that I was experiencing ..I would have laughed and called you crazy. I was in grudge mode.

I focused so much of my time and energy into anger and resentment…and for what? The only person I hurt was myself. Hatred,and resentment are such a waste of space Also, as a Christian, I believe that all impure thoughts and behaviors are straight from the pits of hell…they are not of God. So, when God says to forgive, but I don’t, then I am being disobedient to God’s word. When I harbor a grudge or resentment in my heart, I am allowing Satan to occupy a space that is only meant to be occupied by God’s love and forgiveness. How can I claim that I am a child of God when I act so foolishly? How can I set a good example of my values when I’m just talking the talk but not walking the walk? The answer is, I can’t.

Forgiveness is not always easy. I suffer from a condition known as ‘stubbornness. ‘ My stubbornness is a constant struggle and it brings nothing but negativity to my life when I allow it in.  Sometimes I am so hurt that I don’t want to forgive someone, especially if they haven’t asked for it. But what good does my resentment and unforgiving heart do for me? Nothing! It leaves me feeling cold, lonely, empty and angry…my heart hardens a little bit each time I hold a grudge or withhold forgiveness. In essence…I’m damaging MYSELF….not the transgressor!

When I think back to all the poor decisions I’ve made in my life that have affected others (my son in particular)I mentally and emotionally beat myself over said decisions. Why? Because ‘self hatred’ is exactly where the devil wants my mind to go…and when I do start analyzing every bad decision I’ve made and start beating myself up over them…I have let Satan win.
Forgiveness is freedom. You don’t need to wait to be asked for forgiveness…do it as soon as possible, for yourself…it’ll bring you peace. When you have peace and are practicing God’s love…there won’t be much room for anger. When you start to feel like your past is overwhelming your present…pray. Don’t give the devil the power to distract you with a past that you might not be proud of…but that you can’t change.  Forgive yourself and move on. The only behavior that you can control is in the here and now and the future….the past is done and over. Leave it there.

Forgiveness brings healing.

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