I struggle with lonliness. It has been a year and a half since my separation and impending divorce began. For a long time I was hurt and angry and so focused on survival that lonliness wasn’t a feeling that came into play.
God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought me to Maryland, and His timing, as usual, was perfect. Within months of meeting and forming very strong bonds with a close knit circle of good, Christian friends…I started my very unwanted and unforseen journey through personal devastation. My friends surrounded my son and me, took care of us, and went above and beyond to make us feel loved. I never really felt lonliness at that stage of my journey.
The lonliness has come recently. There is a certain comfort that comes from having a partner in life. Sure, relationships are never perfect and some, like mine, end up being an absolute catastrophe and have a very harsh ending….but still, if you’ve been with one person for any length of time…you get used to their presence and when it’s gone, no matter how devastating the circumstances that surround the ‘ending,’ you are still left with a void. When I have to run to the store…it’s by myself. If I’d like to go out to dinner and none of my friends are available, I stay home. If I have a question about something, Google now answers me instead of a real face and voice. Sex is missing from my life, obviously, but it’s funny…as much as that is part of a good, healthy relationship…it’s not high on my list of things that I miss most. The intimacy of holding someone’s hand, or being kissed on the forehead during a hug, or just having a warm body snoring away on the other side of the bed…that’s where the lonliness and void come in. When my son is asleep and I’m on the couch watching a funny movie…there’s nobody on the other side of the couch laughing with me. To be blunt…it kinda sucks.
I have never been the type of person who ‘needs’ a man in her life. I actually enjoy solitude to a certain degree. I feel strong and ready to take on the world regardless of my relationship status…and I know that my circumstances, at the moment, prevent me from having a relationship with someone anyway…but that doesn’t stop me from feeling the lonliness creep in every once in a while.
God has great things in store for my future. I have been hurt and let down because of my own poor decisions in the past but God has never let me down. Every tragedy and heartache in my life He has taken and made something beautiful out of…whether it be new friendships, personal growth, renewed faith, closer family bonds….I know God works everything for my own good, but every once in a while I need to be reminded that His plans for my future and whoever He brings into my life will far surpass anything that I could imagine for myself….I just need to keep my eyes on God, trust that He wants the best for me and that He is far better at providing for me than I am for myself. He has always been faithful to His word…others may let me down but He never has. He WILL provide me with the man of my dreams, especially now that my dreams have changed.
My future relationship must be with a man who loves the Lord first and me second. He must be a purpose driven, holiness minded, ‘head of the household’ qualified, God fearing, prayerfully seeking, compassion giving, Word receiving man with God’s stamp of approval. I’m pretty sure those qualifications align with God’s will…so He’ll have no problem filling that order 🙂
My brother once said something to me that I will never forget…because it tends to always be appropriate to my life. He said, “You need to get out of God’s way and let Him take care of things!” So, that’s exactly what I am going to do, even though I struggle with it sometimes. I am going to remember that although I might feel a bit lonly at times, God has a special someone, intended just for me, that will fill in the missing puzzle piece but it will be in HIS timing so I need to have patience and not worry. Until then, I will keep my heart filled with God, my knees to the floor and my eyes in the word (just to clarify…that will continue no matter what happens! Lol)
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